Humorous Toastmasters Talk – Relationships 101

ACS – Humorously speaking – Project 3: Warm up your audience / leave them with a smile/ sporadic laughs during talk


 Relationships 101


Madam toastmaster



The other day, I was sitting with my friend Joe at The Baron on Main. He was devastated.

His wife had just left him and he needed a friendly ear.

So there I was, assisting Joe to drown his sorrows. 3 beers down and not looking like finishing soon.

Have you ever heard the saying, a friend in need is a friend indeed? Well I was finding out the hard way that my old school friend Matthew was more correct.

He always said that a friend in WEED a friend indeed but a friend in NEED is actually a pain in the butt!!    

“Stephen”, Joe said.

“Isn’t it ironic that after 30 years of trying to change me, she left me because she claims I am not the man she married!!”


“My goodness”, he lamented, “If only I had realized when I met “Mrs. Right” that her first name was ALWAYS!!”




On a more serious note, consider this for a second:

We all know the old adage that 50% of marriages fail right?

Well if 50% of marriages fail, then 90% of RELATIONSHIPS fail!!!

Because we don’t marry everyone we date do we????


That of course creates 2 major questions for me.

Why is it that so many relationships fail?

What can we do to improve the odds?


I believe that Dr John Demartini holds some of the answers in his findings:

Allow me to ask you this question based on his teachings:


At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to be loved and respected for who we are?

At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to be loved and respected for who we are?


Yes we do.

And guess what?

So do our spouses.

We all really just want to be loved and respected for who we are.


Wouldn’t you agree that, “It is wiser to accept and love your spouse as they are than to spend a lifetime of frustration trying to change them into who you think they should be.”


Now I am fully aware that I have a very mixed audience here today.

I know that some of you are married.

That some of you are single.

Others of you single wishing you were married.

Some of you are married wishing you were single.

And of course, those of you who are married and acting single.



Is there anyone here who is single and just waiting for that perfect partner? Well I have excellent news for you.

I have a foolproof piece of advice for you.

If all else fails, LOWER your standards.



John and I believe that it all boils down to axiology.

The study of values.

The truth is that you have a set of values and your spouse also has a set of values.

Unfortunately, they are TOTALLY different.

The truth is that you spend your life trying to achieve what is important to YOU.

Unfortunately, your spouse spends their life doing the same.


Yes. Your values do overlap.

Yes. You may both value marriage and parenthood.

Especially in the beginning.

But as time slips slowly through the hourglass, your values revert back to your own inherent selfishness and need to fulfill your values.


And by the way guys, have you heard, there actually IS a user manual for women. Fifty shades of grey, Fifty shades deeper and fifty shades freed.


The answer to this dilemma is actually simple.

Firstly, Learn what is important to you.

Then learn what is important to your spouse.


Then spend hours working on recognizing how your spouses values support your values.

In other words what value your spouse represents to you.


Then spend days working on recognizing how your values support your spouses values. In other words what value you represent to your spouse.


Then spend years ensuring that you always add unsurpassed and unrivalled value to your spouse.

If your spouse does the same, your marriage will be almost infallible.


The reality of who your partner is, is much more magnificent than any fantasy of how you believe they should be.



So there we were. Joe and I ………… and of course the beer. Unfortunately  no weed.

Finally I sum up the courage to ask the obvious question.

 “Joe, Why is she leaving you?”

“Well………..she came home early one afternoon and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman… half my age

“Joe. You are married. You’re stupid! You are sooooooo fortunate, I mean fffff foolhardy!

How in heavens name did the two of you manage to land up in YOUR bed at home?”


Sheepishly he explained, “She approached me outside my house and begged me for a hot meal. I just couldn’t say no.

I heated up the meal I had wasted my time cooking Emily the night before.


Then she asked if she could take a bath and I gave her some shampoo and conditioner.

She didn’t want to use it but I explained that I had bought it as part of a Christmas gift for Emily

who only uses salon shampoo.


Then she got out of the bath and had nothing to wear so I gave her the matching skirt and top that I had bought Emily who has never worn it.

She prefers the more expensive brands you see.


Same with the pair of shoes I bought her for Valentines day.

Apparently you can only be seen in Jimmy Choo’s these days doll!!!


After she had applied some of the unused perfume I had tried to give Emily for her birthday, assuring her that she never uses it,

 she looked sweetly into my eyes and said,

“Joe, tell me, is there anything else you can think of that you keep trying to give Emily which she keeps refusing to use…………..?”


The rest, as they say in the classics, is HISTORY!


Madam Toastmaster


About Stephen van Basten - The Marriage Expert

When you meet Stephen van Basten you instantly realize that there is more to him than meets the eye. This is not a moment to judge a book by its cover. Stephen boasts a list of achievements: He met his wife, Jacqui, 27 years ago, married her 21 years ago and is the proud father of a 'very together' 18 year old daughter. Stephen will immediately tell you with a twinkle in his eye, that Life, Work, Marriage and Parenthood are not for sissies. That while they are all hard work, they can be, and should be, incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Stephen is a past Karate World Champion, a yoga enthusiast and recovering golfer. If you opened Trip Advisor on his facebook page you will see that he has visited 81 cities in 52 countries including the USA, Alaska, Japan, Europe, Australia and China. Stephen has owned his own company, worked in his family's business, being employed by small and large businesses like Shell SA and the BTG Group. His titles include Brand Manager, Sales Manager, Account Manager, Sales Representative and Business Owner. He now sees himself as an Author, Speaker, Trainer and Coach. Stephen published his first book, "So you're engaged, now what? The journey from engaged to married" in December 2013. His ingenious marketing strategy put this book into over 2000 hands in its first 6 months. His second book "So you're alive, now what? The journey from birth to death" is available online and he is working on 5 more books in the series including "So you're married, now what?". Stephen's obvious passion and first love is Human Behavior and specifically Human Behavior as it manifests in RELATIONSHIPS. He is quick to point out that we have many differing relationships: employer, employees, customers, suppliers, colleagues, friendships, marriage, parents, siblings, children, our maker, other drivers on the roads and we generally have issues in most if not all of them. Stephen is a student of the well-known human behavior specialist, Dr. John Demartini and is constantly researching and honing his understanding of this incredibly complex subject. In 2013 he completed over 175 hours of intense training on T. Harv Eker's signature courses.
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