In your marriage you will argue about money, sex and power

In your marriage you will argue about money, sex and power

Of all the things you will argue about, money, sex (relationships) and power (authority) will top the list. There is an esoteric teaching that these are the 3 human drives that create havoc in our lives. The drive (craving) for money. The drive (craving) for sex. The drive (craving) for power (significance). Apparently every human being experiences all 3 but one of them will be your biggest need, one your least and the other in the middle. In other words, you could rank them 1, 2 and 3 in importance.


  • You will argue about how it gets spent and who pays for what
  • Should we go on holiday or put it in the bond?
  • Why can you spend R1500 on golf but I can’t get my hair cut?
  • One of you will earn more and probably feel you have more rights on how it’s spent
  • Money people eat, sleep and drink money. They talk about it and learn about it.
  • I remember how Hansi Cronje (allegedly) fell to this temptation

Side note: Money is neither good nor evil but can be used for both. How you earn it and what you use it for make the difference. If you swindle pensioners out of their life savings, that is bad. If you donate R1m to the Nelson Mandela Children’s Fund, that is good. In fact, there is a lovely teaching that money merely magnifies you. If you are nice, it will make you nicer. If you are horrid, it will make you worse.


  • You will argue about: how often, who initiates, whose on top, do you add toys etc etc
  • One of you will wish you had more sex and the other less
  • One of you will wish you were a bit more adventurous and the other less
  • Sex people eat, sleep and drink sex and sexuality. They talk about it and learn about it and love doing it.
  • I remember how Bill Clinton (seemingly) fell to this temptation


Side note: Sex is not evil either. It is how we practice it that makes the difference. In my opinion sex can be the most beautiful sharing and caring experience two human beings can ever share. Is possible to get any closer? It can be an incredibly spiritual experience if you wish. On the other hand if you are selfish or a bully it can be terrible for the other person. In my opinion your sexuality is a reflection of who you really are.


  • You will argue about who makes the decisions and what gets done
  • Where we will live, where the kids will go to school and what color to paint the house
  • One of you will be more dominant and controlling than the other
  • Power people have the need for significance. They always express their differing opinion.
  • I can’t help thinking of Malema and Zuma right now (ROTF) and Oprah fits nicely too!

Side note: Power is not evil either J. Without power we would be extinct. Once again it can be used for good or bad. Madiba showed us his beautiful power. All of the prophets of all of the religions were powerful. Oprah is powerful. If she loves your book, you sell a million copies the next day. So were Hitler and Idi Amin. Actually this is one of my favourite subjects, “Domination and Suppression”. Sometimes we dominate others and sometimes others dominate us.

This is an excerpt from the book, “So you’re married, now what?

Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten


About Stephen van Basten - The Marriage Expert

When you meet Stephen van Basten you instantly realize that there is more to him than meets the eye. This is not a moment to judge a book by its cover. Stephen boasts a list of achievements: He met his wife, Jacqui, 27 years ago, married her 21 years ago and is the proud father of a 'very together' 18 year old daughter. Stephen will immediately tell you with a twinkle in his eye, that Life, Work, Marriage and Parenthood are not for sissies. That while they are all hard work, they can be, and should be, incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Stephen is a past Karate World Champion, a yoga enthusiast and recovering golfer. If you opened Trip Advisor on his facebook page you will see that he has visited 81 cities in 52 countries including the USA, Alaska, Japan, Europe, Australia and China. Stephen has owned his own company, worked in his family's business, being employed by small and large businesses like Shell SA and the BTG Group. His titles include Brand Manager, Sales Manager, Account Manager, Sales Representative and Business Owner. He now sees himself as an Author, Speaker, Trainer and Coach. Stephen published his first book, "So you're engaged, now what? The journey from engaged to married" in December 2013. His ingenious marketing strategy put this book into over 2000 hands in its first 6 months. His second book "So you're alive, now what? The journey from birth to death" is available online and he is working on 5 more books in the series including "So you're married, now what?". Stephen's obvious passion and first love is Human Behavior and specifically Human Behavior as it manifests in RELATIONSHIPS. He is quick to point out that we have many differing relationships: employer, employees, customers, suppliers, colleagues, friendships, marriage, parents, siblings, children, our maker, other drivers on the roads and we generally have issues in most if not all of them. Stephen is a student of the well-known human behavior specialist, Dr. John Demartini and is constantly researching and honing his understanding of this incredibly complex subject. In 2013 he completed over 175 hours of intense training on T. Harv Eker's signature courses.
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