the key to long lasting marriages

the key to long lasting marriages

In my opinion the most important aspect to a long lasting relationship is understanding and accepting Human Behaviour and more specifically, Axiology, the study of human values and how our values drive us.

Most often when a couple need counselling, it’s because one partner cannot understand the behaviour of the other partner and has a belief or expectation that the partner should behave differently.

Dr. John Demartini speaks prolifically on Axiology and Teleology. I encourage you to go to all of his talks and seminars, especially The Breakthrough Experience. He is an absolute master of human behaviour.

The second most important aspect is realizing that a successful relationship is a choice. It will not just happen and you will be tested. This is why I encourage couples to create a mission and vision statement for their marriage with short, mid and long term goals that they mutually agree on. I promise you, a joint vision will assist you immeasurably. Without it you leave your marriage to fate.


In my opinion the yeast of a relationship is communication. It’s the catalyst for growth and understanding. This is why most of my relationship seminars include lots of partner sharing. I split my 10 hour bootcamp into 3 sessions which I call 3 dates and I force you to relate. Likewise, I apply this in my marriage. It’s so easy to get sucked into life and your separate routines. Jax and I have every Friday evening blocked out in our diaries for our date night. We have to get each other’s permission to change it. We go out and spent time together, catching up and discussing current issues and planning our next step.

When you met your partner and went on your first set of dates, YOU TALKED. You may have been attracted to each other by looks but very soon you spoke. Then you probably sought sameness by chatting and questioning. Same kind of upbringing, same kind of background, same kind of culture, same kind of age. You checked each other out socially and spiritually. You found out where they worked, what they did for a living. Then you introduced them to your friends for approval and finally your parents. Your friends quizzed them and then your family quizzed them. Questions, communication, speaking, interacting.

Find ways to keep this up. Make sure you are chatting. Make sure you know what’s going on in each other’s lives. Make sure you express both your loving as well as your unhappiness feelings. If you are not fulfilled in an area, don’t sit brooding and waiting for your partner to ‘prove their love for you’ by noticing and in some psychic way knowing your needs. Tell each other what you love and dislike, what you want more of and what you want less of.


This is an excerpt from the book, “So you’re married, now what?

Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten


About Stephen van Basten - The Marriage Expert

When you meet Stephen van Basten you instantly realize that there is more to him than meets the eye. This is not a moment to judge a book by its cover. Stephen boasts a list of achievements: He met his wife, Jacqui, 27 years ago, married her 21 years ago and is the proud father of a 'very together' 18 year old daughter. Stephen will immediately tell you with a twinkle in his eye, that Life, Work, Marriage and Parenthood are not for sissies. That while they are all hard work, they can be, and should be, incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Stephen is a past Karate World Champion, a yoga enthusiast and recovering golfer. If you opened Trip Advisor on his facebook page you will see that he has visited 81 cities in 52 countries including the USA, Alaska, Japan, Europe, Australia and China. Stephen has owned his own company, worked in his family's business, being employed by small and large businesses like Shell SA and the BTG Group. His titles include Brand Manager, Sales Manager, Account Manager, Sales Representative and Business Owner. He now sees himself as an Author, Speaker, Trainer and Coach. Stephen published his first book, "So you're engaged, now what? The journey from engaged to married" in December 2013. His ingenious marketing strategy put this book into over 2000 hands in its first 6 months. His second book "So you're alive, now what? The journey from birth to death" is available online and he is working on 5 more books in the series including "So you're married, now what?". Stephen's obvious passion and first love is Human Behavior and specifically Human Behavior as it manifests in RELATIONSHIPS. He is quick to point out that we have many differing relationships: employer, employees, customers, suppliers, colleagues, friendships, marriage, parents, siblings, children, our maker, other drivers on the roads and we generally have issues in most if not all of them. Stephen is a student of the well-known human behavior specialist, Dr. John Demartini and is constantly researching and honing his understanding of this incredibly complex subject. In 2013 he completed over 175 hours of intense training on T. Harv Eker's signature courses.
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