communication skills in marriage: transactional analysis

communication skills in marriage: transactional analysis

There are 3 states of communication according to this well-known model.

  1. Parent to Child
  2. Child to Parent
  3. Adult to Adult

The ideal is to have Adult to Adult conversations. This is when you have a neutral relationship in terms of power and authority and it is more of an equal partnership than a hierarchy.

The theory is that when one partner speaks ‘down’ to the other P -> C the other partner will usually react like a child C -> P.  Example “A” below.

Ideally when this happens, the enlightened spouse would come back Child -> Adult as in Example B.

Example C represents the ideal Adult / Adult state.

 

A

B

C

P                 P

A                 A

C                 C

P                 P

A                 A

C                 C

P                 P

A                 A

C                 C

 

 

A

P->C: “How many times do I have to ask you to clean the pool. You’d think after 10 years of living here that you’d know it has to be done every week”

C->P: “And you’d think that after 20 years of marriage you’d do it yourself”

 

B

 

C->A:” I have remembered to clean the pool and I will do it once I have eaten”

 

C

A->A: Darling, please remember to have the pool cleaned before Sunday as we’re having visitors and it embarrasses both of us when the pool is yucky”

A->A: “Sure thing honey! Remember last time how awkward it was?”

 

Another set of examples:

 

A

P->C: What? You want more money? What for? Do you think money grows on trees?

C->P: No it doesn’t but I wish it did!

 

B

 

C->A:” I know money doesn’t grow on trees. I need some to replace my worn tires.

 

C

A->A: Phew. Cash flow is tight right now. What do you need the money for?

A->A: My tires are quite worn but can last another 2 weeks till pay day. Shall we do them then?

 

Here is a challenge. Can you find a way of practicing this with your spouse? Practice examples C above. In other words the Adult -> Adult states. Then agree that whenever one of you feels patronised, you can simply say, “Parent-Child?” with a slightly raised eyebrow and the other partner must try again in Adult -> Adult mode. You asked for communication skills. This one is a beaut. Use it in an Adult -> Adult manner and it will change your lives forever.

 

This is an excerpt from the book, “So you’re married, now what?

Written by the marriage expert, Stephen van Basten

www.stephenvanbasten.co.za/author.html

Advertisements

About Stephen van Basten - The Marriage Expert

When you meet Stephen van Basten you instantly realize that there is more to him than meets the eye. This is not a moment to judge a book by its cover. Stephen boasts a list of achievements: He met his wife, Jacqui, 27 years ago, married her 21 years ago and is the proud father of a 'very together' 18 year old daughter. Stephen will immediately tell you with a twinkle in his eye, that Life, Work, Marriage and Parenthood are not for sissies. That while they are all hard work, they can be, and should be, incredibly rewarding and fulfilling. Stephen is a past Karate World Champion, a yoga enthusiast and recovering golfer. If you opened Trip Advisor on his facebook page you will see that he has visited 81 cities in 52 countries including the USA, Alaska, Japan, Europe, Australia and China. Stephen has owned his own company, worked in his family's business, being employed by small and large businesses like Shell SA and the BTG Group. His titles include Brand Manager, Sales Manager, Account Manager, Sales Representative and Business Owner. He now sees himself as an Author, Speaker, Trainer and Coach. Stephen published his first book, "So you're engaged, now what? The journey from engaged to married" in December 2013. His ingenious marketing strategy put this book into over 2000 hands in its first 6 months. His second book "So you're alive, now what? The journey from birth to death" is available online and he is working on 5 more books in the series including "So you're married, now what?". Stephen's obvious passion and first love is Human Behavior and specifically Human Behavior as it manifests in RELATIONSHIPS. He is quick to point out that we have many differing relationships: employer, employees, customers, suppliers, colleagues, friendships, marriage, parents, siblings, children, our maker, other drivers on the roads and we generally have issues in most if not all of them. Stephen is a student of the well-known human behavior specialist, Dr. John Demartini and is constantly researching and honing his understanding of this incredibly complex subject. In 2013 he completed over 175 hours of intense training on T. Harv Eker's signature courses.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s