We generally suck at relationships, take that into our marriages and then actually expect them to last!
While relationships are actually paramount in our lives, the truth is we suck at them. When you look at how many relationships we have it dawns on us that they are actually rather important. We have relationships with our maker, our parents, our siblings, our teachers, fellow students, our ministers, our aunts and uncles, our grandparents, our bosses, our colleagues at work, our customers, our children and a myriad of other permutations of the above.
Now consider this. We leave our parents and our kids leave us. Our siblings usually are not our closest friends as life progresses. Remember all your friends from matric? How you promised to stay in touch? Did you? You probably don’t even really keep in touch with your best friend from school anymore. Now look at all of your ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. How many times have you left someone or had someone leave you? How many jobs have you had? How many of them started off well and then ended with you leaving? How many friends have you lost? How many deals have you lost because you messed up a business relationship?
We all know that the divorce statistics are around 50%. Half of the people who marry leave each other, and that’s after promising GOD they would stay together for better or worse, in good times and bad!
I met a couple last week to discuss marrying them. This was her 2nd marriage and his 3rd. I asked what they felt about marriage coaching and he looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you but we know what we are doing”. I just nodded sagely. In my mind they are unconsciously incompetent.
When one looks at success people, especially in business (and yes, success is different to everyone), the most successful people have a few things in common:
- They have a vision and a mission
- What is your vision for your marriage?
- What is your mission for your marriage?
- What are your long, mid and short term goals for your marriage?
- They do what they love, and love what they do
- They do what it takes no matter what, especially the uncomfortable stuff
- They are committed to continuous learning and improvement
- The most successful people on earth never stop learning
- They invest in themselves
- THEY HAVE COACHES
- The best sportsmen in the world all have coaches (Tiger woods has a coach)
- The best speakers in the world all have coaches
- The richest people in the world can all tell you who it was that mentored them
- I know one millionaire who has a health coach, a business coach, stock trading coach, a spiritual guru, a personal development coach and a relationship coach. AND HE IS A COACH (and a millionaire).
So how does one move from unconsciously incompetent (which most of us are in our relationships) to unconsciously competent or at the very least, consciously competent (which most of us are not)?
- Realise you could do with some help
- I believe that even the best relationship can be improved
- I have a great marriage but am always looking for ways to improve it
- Look into the future and see the benefits of an extraordinary marriage
- Improved physical health
- Improved mental health
- Improved emotional well being
- Lots of yummy sex
- A happy home for your children
- Better friendships
- More effective at work (more promotions, opportunities and money)
- Get some help
- Getting help does not mean that your marriage is in trouble or failing
- Working on your marriage is the greatest gift you can give each other
- Find someone you relate to, who is making it work and who can teach you something
- My “Building Blocks to an extraordinary Marriage” comes highly recommended J
- Agree to working on improving your marriage for ever
- Go to personal development classes together
- Develop Spiritually together
- Marriage is like a well-run business
- You have to manage it properly
- You actually have to be there to make it work
- It needs constant focus
- You need to re-invest in it constantly (money, emotion, time, thought)
- It is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling
- Committing to enjoying the good times together, to working through the bad times, to courageously having the difficult conversations and holding each other accountable, to seeing marriage as an equal partnership and to completing the journey together.
Where are you on the marriage competency grid?
Email me for a copy of my marriage competency exercise at: email@example.com